crabby crabby crabby

am in an unbelievably bad mood today.

am annoyed at my job, at the people at the other end of the email messages and phone calls, at the stupid candidates of this pisspot of a company.

i don’t see what the frigging deal is.

i just want people to get out of my way and stop wasting my time with their efforts to grow a brain at this late stage of the game. whatever you do from this point on is utterly useless and will not add anything to the bigger picture.

Seriously. Gawd.

top 31

what life has given me on my 31st year

1. orange and green daisy tattoo under my bellybutton
2. tarp and powerpoint presentation with my life in it
3. new job
4. co-workers that act like they're my children
5. travels financed by self
6. photo with randy santiago
7. footsie, olive, chocnut, and bok
8. poker
9. weekend trip to puerto galera
10. corn-rowed hair, henna tattoo, cat bite, and sprained ankle in puerto galera
11. black ipod nano!
12. toint weddings
13. returning to bunnies' 5-seater boat
14. blind date not quite from hell
15. tulips on valentine's day
16. short white chocolate mocha on regular days, tall vanilla blended cream on difficult days, tall caramel cream on gawd-i-should've-stayed-in-bed-i want-to-shoot-myself-in-the-foot-and-die days
17. overnight trip to singapore to see oasis -- first time to travel abroad by self
18. me time -- body scrub, facial manicure, pedicure, massage therapy
19. city of saints and madmen, flowers for algernon, hypocrite in a pouffy white dress, blessed are the cheesemakers, the life of pi, the venetian's wife, the electric michelangelo, balzac and the little chinese seamstress, stainless longganisa
20. the lake house, spiderman 2, supersize me, superman, batman begins, the usual suspects, rent, once on this island, xmen 3
21. america's next top supermodel, house, CSI, lost, 4400
22. tiger airways and the great singapore sale
23. medical city 1013
24. pyrotechnic olympics and hot air balloon festival
25. no coastal cleanup for the first time in four years. selling of mosquito and pelican
26. two more sprained ankles = flat shoes. does not stop me from naturalizers, though
27. orange, fuschia, and green blazers
28. four polyps and a growing myoma
29. ipod speakers!
30. giving my little cousins one great childhood memory
31. living in a world where people topple over because of the sheer weight of their extremely large heads.

infidelity

people who cheat will always be caught. and i got caught. it was written all over me. no matter how hard i tried to hide it, everyone could see what i did, plain as day.

i've been going to the same beauty parlor (parlor, not salon) for the past 10 years and connie has been cutting my hair these 10 years. when connie went on a long leave because she was pregnant, my hair grew to scary proportions. when i moved to bontoc for one year, i only got to get my hair cut one time that year. when i went through that shaved-head period of my life, connie and the rest of the beauty parlor people were very loving and supportive and understood why i had to do it, no questions asked.

then i cheated on them.

i was having a bad time with my life three weeks ago and i really needed to get a haircut to bring a bit of sanity back into my life. it was a monday and i knew it was connie's day off but i knew i had to cut my hair or i will die. so i went to another salon where i didn't know a soul and had them take off a good two inches off my hair.

and i looked mutt ugly.
mutt ugly.
which is uglier than butt ugly.
butt ugly would have been acceptable.
mutt ugly caused people at work to look at me five seconds longer than was polite and give me a look that said "i understand, you're having a difficult life and we understand why you want to uglify yourself like that."

so over the weekend, i went back to my beauty parlor because i couldn't bear to live another day looking mutt ugly. connie , bless her forgiving heart, took one look at my hair, gave a bit of a shrug and confronted me with the accusing query "nagpagupit ka sa iba, no?" i couldn't deny it, the stupid rotten-mushroom shape my hair had taken was a dead giveaway. so i meekly admitted my infidelity and promised to never, never let anyone else touch my hair again.

pacified with my pathetic reply to her question, connie proceeded to make me look slightly fabulous again, and to make me feel doubly guilty for cheating on her, she shaved and shaped my eyebrows for free.

moral of the story -- no matter how bad life gets, never cheat on the person who cuts your hair. you know you can never get away with it.

i am a hysterical and a neurotic fan

The most unbelievable thing happened to me last night. I finally got to meet a guy I was in love with 18 years ago. And I find out I am in love with him still. He’s 46 now, but he’s still as hot now as he was 18 years ago.

His name is Randy Santiago. Yes, the Randy Santiago of the sunglasses and the noontime variety shows

What was supposed to be a quiet dinner with my Bunny friends in Teriyaki Boy became a flighty, slightly hysterical meal complete with flashbulbs popping and breathless babbling and downright adolescent behavior so totally unbecoming of a woman of my age and stature. (Age and stature be damned! It’s Randy Santiago, the object of my countless tweenage fantasies!)

All I wanted was a photo with him. So after a lot of pushing and encouragement (read: buyo and gatong) from my friends, I took a deep breath and summoned all my resources of blind (and a bit stupid) courage, stood up walked over to Randy Santiago, and proceeded to act like a ditz.

See transcript of our conversation below.

Lissa the Ditz (in a slightly high-pitched and breathless voice): Hi I’m really sorry to bother you, I don’t really do this and I know I’m disturbing your dinner but I just had to come over (I was medyo babbling at this point)… I loved you when I was 12 (Aaaaack Jeezuz what the hell am I thinking?) and …… (I trailed off into brainless muttering)…

Randy Santiago (bless his heart, he was so kind and gracious and must be used to blathering idiots fawning over him all the time): No, no it’s no trouble at all. Please have a seat (pats the seat beside him and actually invited me to sit with him!!!) So how old are you now?

LtD : I’m 30 now, am medyo old na.

RS: E ako, am 46 na. (How can he be 46? That gorgeous hunk of humanity) Where do you work?

LtD : (I had to pause for a while because for the life of me, I could not remember where I worked)

And the conversation went on for a few more minutes, but I could not remember a whole lot because my brain was screaming “I’m sitting in a booth with Randy Santiago and we are having a regular conversation like regular people!!!!” When I felt I was about to implode, I stood up and said as graciously as I could “It was very nice meeting you, I don’t want to keep you from whatever else you’re supposed to do. You’re a good sport and it was really nice meeting you" (I keep repeating myself. Gawd) And I slink away.

Half an hour later, when things have returned to normal and I started acting like a normal human being again, Randy Santiago dropped by our table. To say hi to my friends. To say goodbye. And to give me one last opportunity for me to make a fool of myself. I gave him my business card. Gawd, I’m an idiot!

I had the biggest crush on him 18 years ago, and even after 18 years of growing up and living life, I am still every bit the neurotic and hysterical fan I was when I was 12. Only Randy Santiago can do that to me. Bless him for being the most gracious and kind and understanding star in the world.

tales from the loony bin year 1

the loony bin's a year old.

i survived it when the basket dropped last year, and what a year it's been.

thank God for the loony bin... it saved my life.

must do today

1. get new Flight Plan and Ice Age 2 DVDs from Manong Bubuy. Plus check if Da Vinci Code, X-Men and MI 3 are available.
2. talk with area supervisors all over the country and plan career day.
3. put in new songs in my ipod. paos na paos na si alanis at bono.
4. pack bikini for tomorrow's company outing.
5. look for U2's concert schedule in the asia-pacific region. juggle dwindling savings and plan to go.
6. clean my inbox once and for all.
7. get a caramel cream without whipped cream from starbucks.
8. keep my temper.
9. keep the pretty.
10. keep a humungous secret.
11. get nails done.
12. buy purple pens.
13. balance my department's budget.
14. go home early.

man, i'm tired. i would love a vacation on a deserted island somewhere.
kelangan may toilet with running water.

world cup wonderings

ever wondered what it would be like if,
everytime a basketball player makes a basket,
he reacts the same way a soccer player does when he makes a goal?

this is no way to live

work schedule for the merry month of may

may 5-6 -- baguio, to conduct exams and interviews
may 8-9 -- meetings with visayas and mindanao counterpart / conduct interviewing skills training
may 9 -- cavite, to conduct presentation of HR initiatives
may 12-14 -- butuan, to conduct presentation of HR initiatives

plus have to finalize the group's outing and pirate a zillion people and plan for the rest of the year and strive to maintain my sanity.

on the plus side, this is what i have to look forward to

june 8-12 -- singapore for sightseeing and partying
august 18-20 -- davao for kadayawan festival
september 15-18 -- cagayan de oro for white water rafting and canopy walk
october 13-16 -- cebu for snorkeling and diving and partying

this is THE way to live after all.

getting wasted

it doesn't take a whole lot for a non-drinker like me to get wasted. and since my tabletop dancing days in jvp, i make it a point to stay away from alcohol because my system and alcohol do not get along and when they are put in one place together, there will be (a.) a headache (b.) knee-kissing (c.) waking up from a deep sleep wondering where the heck i am.

but last night, i made a decision that i was going to get wasted. since i feel my system has been through a lot in the past ten years since i last binged on alcohol, i figured i can attempt to get wasted and still be enough of a responsible adult to get up and go to work the next day.

get wasted i did. didn't take much, though. the jolt to my system from the little bit of alcohol i had went straight to my head and bloodstream and made me a morose and depressing drunk.

who cares. the point was to get wasted and wasted i got. and i have a frigging headache to show for it and a cranky attitude to go with it.

rage and alcohol do not go together. where is the ocean when i need it?

back to regular programming

enough. i've had enough. enough of this adolescent drivel. enough of this waiting and hoping and wanting and yearning and looking. it's not there. it never was.

i've had it.

you may say ...

... that it's so easy to laugh with me
... that we understand each other so well we can almost read each other's minds
... that what we have is comfortable and right
... that our children will have my art and your sight
... that we have the rest of our lives to go on road trips together
... that there is no need to tiptoe because we already fit perfectly
... that there is an "us"

but you know what?

no thanks. this is a risk i took and no way on earth will it work.
i've had it. i've had enough. better to cut out while i am still whole.

please make sure your pipes are in better working order this time.
and don't ever watch me with the wind again. ever.

no more drama in this life.
back to regular programming.

how do i like thee? let me count the ways

I like the way

you order me dessert
you make sure we get to talk everyday.
you include me in your life, by introducing me to your sisters, friends, and chickens
you invite my friends to come over and play poker
you share your music with me
you watched a play because I told you about it
you say I don’t know.
you laugh, because your laugh fills up the whole room
you blow on my tea to make sure it isn't too hot for me to drink
you got me a book because we both like the same writer
you watch me sleep
you touch my hair when you kiss me
you walked in my garden with me
you enjoy coffee and insist i try a different flavor
you nibble on my arm and fingers
you put your whole heart in every hug.

I don’t like the way you’re going to leave before you realize how much you are loved.

my favorite day in 2006 …

…is february 23.

because this was the day i traveled abroad by myself for the first time in my life.
because this was the first time i watched a concert alone. ever.
in the mosh pit.
and it was an oasis concert.
in singapore.

one more item crossed off “the things i must do before i die” list.

watching oasis and hearing the gallaghers sing and being 20 feet away from them and almost catching noel’s tambourine gave me the same thrill as seeing the venus di milo, the winged victory of samothrace, and the mona lisa for the first time. and singing (and screaming) champagne supernova and wonderwall and don’t look back in anger and what’s the story, morning glory with a zillion other people was fantastic.

i think turning 30 last year gave me some sort of magic powers that enable me to do these things.

since i’ll only be thirty for five months more, i’d better maximize these powers before a different sort of magic power takes over.

i hear U2 will be in tokyo in april. please let my superpowers be strong enough to take me there and back.


thanks nat and nessa for the mimosa and the burned teeth and gums. i can finally feel my ears again.

how i got locked in a bathroom and nearly lost my mind in the process

spent the weekend with my bunnies in a windy haven where the stars and sunlight kept us company. sat around all night saturday talking about things that should have been talked about two years ago, and shared in savoring the possibility of the reality of having love in my future.

bedtime was supposed to be at 3 am since we had hot air balloons to meet at 5:30 am, and i dutifully planned to do my ablutions to try to catch some much needed sleep. as soon as i got into the bathroom and locked the door behind me, i knew something was wrong. there was an ominous lack of reassuring click from the doorknob. i tried the knob to open the door, and nothing happened. i whispered calmly to myself “i seem to be locked in the bathroom.” a split-second later, i was pounding the door and walls and screaming to my bunnies “I’M LOCKED IN!!! GET ME OUT GET ME OUT GETMEOOOOOOOOOOUT!!!!”

a zillion thoughts zinged through my mind – the bathroom window is too tiny for me to crawl through; maybe i can ram the door and break it down off its hinges; i have a swiss army knife in my bag next to my shampoo; what if they can’t get me out, how can they use the bathroom – but the only thing i was capable of doing was to scream “GET ME OUT GET ME OUT GET ME OUT NOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!”

finally, 15 hysterical minutes later, bunnies managed to remove the doorknob from the door. the door swung open and i burst out of the bathroom and collapsed onto the bed, laughing and crying hysterically, forgetting that i was still clutching the other half of the cursed doorknob. the whole nightmare happened over a period of 15 minutes (and give or take a million years) and the bunnies were laughing their heads off the whole time.

so that ordeal was over, and i didn’t get to pee in that bathroom that night anymore.

this is for my bunnies, who do all things in an atmosphere of love, well-being and world peace. love you bunnies

blind date # 7,195

so i have been on more blind dates than i'd care to remember. or admit.

a few posts back, i said i would chew my foot off before i ever went out on a blind date ever again. after having successfully dodged dozens of well-meaning friends' intentions to set me up with "this really great guy, he's smart and funny and calls when he says he will and likes dogs and loves his mom," i did not reckon with my ninang's unbelievable powers of persuation.

so she sets me up with her neighbor who wreaks water damage on her ceiling and browbeat the poor guy into calling me.

mother of all surprises...

i actually like the guy.

he is single, gainfully employed, well-educated, well-travelled, well-groomed, loves dogs and art and photography and food, ad nauseum. and being the most recent convert of the precepts of "he's just not that into you," i actually dare think that he could be that into me.

so i have degenerated into an adolescent who gives a blow-by-blow account of every shared meal and conversation to all my girlfriends, thereby degenerating my girlfriends into adolescents as well. as i haven't been an adolescent for more than half my life, i must admit that acting like an adolescent while trying to be an adult is making me more neurotic than i already am.

i've avoided thrills like this for my own peace of mind. once upon a time i made it a regular habit to fling all caution to the wind. maybe this time, i can toss caution into a light breeze, but must make sure that its firmly attached to the end of my rope.

alanis speaks...

...and she speaks to me.
was she a spectator to my life in 2005?


You've been my golden best friend
And now with post-demise at hand
I can't go to you for consolation
coz we're off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and then some
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew God's face was handsome
With you I saw fun and expansion
This loss is numbing me it pierces my chest
And I can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but I was sadly mistaken

ready to dive again

ready to go into the water again.
six months is a long enough time to heal.

i miss the fish,
the salt,
the wind,
and the feeling of time stopping.

end of a chapter

because Christmas is about forgiveness and asking for it.
because Christmas is about letting go and being happier.
because Christmas is about being thankful for the good times that were, and for the bad times that are over.
becuase Christmas is about laughter and good times and the Biggest Birthday Party in the world.

to kinder gods and fiercer loves
to brief jealousies and even shorter griefs
to wine, to tea, to sunsets and coffee
to family, friends, country.

maligayang pasko.
good journey and healing to you, ñ

craziest place i've ever worked in

welcome to the world of the lesser known greek and roman gods and goddesses, which includes the goddess of the flabby-bellied, big-armed, tattoo-sporting single women over thirty.

mooning the recovery room

gave birth to quadruplets yesterday -- a quartet of polyps (who i've named eeny, meeny, minie and moe) that have been residing in my uterus and have been making me a bit unwell this past year. so they had to go, in typical embarrassing and hilarious fashion, like everything else in my funny life.

a couple of things i’ve learned during this particular hospital stay, which i impart to you in the off chance you’ll find yourself in the same position as i am.

1. it is impossible to pee while laying down. it is doubly impossible to pee into a bedpan. it is only with superhuman powers that one can pee in a bedpan while lying down surrounded by people in showercaps and scrubsuits.

2. anesthesia makes you funny. at the start, it feels like a big punch in the arm, then it brings you to a soft fuzzy warm place where it is normal to smile goofily at anyone who comes your way.

3. the rudest way to wake up from an anesthesized sleep is having a catheter yanked out of you (aaaack!) it is the height of rudeness to have a catheter yanked out of you partway, then a pause to explain what is happening, before the damn thing is taken out completely.

4. hospital gowns have a reason why the opening is at the back. it’s to give patients a chance to moon the other patients in the recovery room.

have i grossed you out of your mind yet?
yes? good.
my work here is done. off to more world domination!

what i did this weekend, allah be praised

had a spur of the moment long weekend in puerto galera where i ...

... got my hair corn rowed (not the smartest decision i've made in my life)

... sprained my ankle, not on the rocky mountainside off tamaraw beach, but on the step of the henna tattoo place

... was bitten by a cat while i was trying to hypnotize it into falling asleep.

haven't had this much fun in a long long time.

photos available upon request =)